Bossa Mortem

Krushing and myself went to this battle of bands -type of an event yesterday to see Sami of Neocite and the esteemed Captain Jansson play a really good set of Alice in Soundgarden -inspired grinding. There were other bands in the event, too, bands like The Chant, Drifting Brigade and ... Postmortem.

Postmortem. Say that without wincing, would you?

I'm not going to talk about their music or talent, a thing that has sadly been detached from success anyway. We left after a few bars so I'm officially not allowed to comment. However ... (oh you know where this is going, do you?)

Had they stopped for a second and thought about differentiation they would surely have realised that (1) there are probably hundreds of bands called Postmortem, Post Mortem or Post-Mortem, at least one of them being a major death metal player. (2) looking like emo kids and choosing an irony-free name is NOT the way to go. Why? Because all the skinny self-mutilators are doing the same thing, the only ones who get noticed are the ones who latch onto the titties of a Big Record Company like ticks.

Bossa Mortem doesn't have to do that. They're different even though they can't play for shit and look like scrawny punk/metal hybrid kids. Only, Bossa Mortem wear white Cannibal Death Grinder t-shirts, jeans and sneakers instead of the common black ones. Bossa Mortem may not have much more class than their real life counterpart but at least they have a factor of differentiation on their side.

"I'd sure like to boot you blatantly underage crooners from my respectable establishment but the song you just sang reminds me of my own youth"

Unlike their real-life counterpart, Bossa Mortem will not get booted from the pub next door to the venue because they topple a few drinks while getting their pre-gig plaster on. As the bar lady approches they just break into a song, she breaks down and the whole thing is settled.

Bossa Mortem - Corpse from Ipanema
Tall and gone and dead and lovely
The corpse from Ipanema goes stalking
And when she passes, each one she passes goes "uuuuh - SCARY BITCH!"
When she stalks, shes like a samba
That skin so cool and sways so gentle
That when she passes, each one she passes goes - "uuuh - I'D CUT MYSELF FOR U GIRL"
(ooh) but I watch her so sadly
How can I tell her I love her
Yes I would cut myself gladly
But each day, when she crawls from the sea
She looks straight ahead, not at me

Ladies and gentlemen, Bossa Mortem thanks you.

<3 t.. / polyfonken